number one feeling: university cafe

So it's no secret that I have a new favorite place to work/exist. It is the University Cafe.

Notice the high ceilings and exciting lighting. I just feel so free here. Like there are no walls and the city is pulsating all around me. I can zone out and just watch people, or I can actually edit the play like I should be doing all the time. I just had some carrot cake and free bread. They even made the carrot cake fancy and pretty, as they do my lattes now. I also received my first free drink today, which is a sign that I'm becoming part of the University Cafe family. The thing is that the food is alright, not the best ever, but it's passable. The coffee is tasty and cheap, but I don't come for either of these things. It's the feeling I get. Like everything is possible and I can breathe in that vitality. Vitality is really the word I want. Katy left about an hour and a half ago, but we sat here for about two hours and had this awesome conversation about gender and sexuality. I recommended autostraddle as I do to pretty much everyone. I came out of it feeling like I'd had a really really good revealing conversation for the first time in awhile. I could really let anything pass my lips and it would OK. Isn't that what all conversations are really supposed to be like? And conversations about gender and sexuality can go horribly awry with the wrong participants. I generally don't have conversations about it because I'm always afraid someone is going to go crazytown on me. But there's so much to say about it, and I think I've been robbing myself of really good conversations by avoiding the subject. Since I came out when I was 14, and stopped trying to help people come out around 18 or 19, I haven't really seen the point of long discussions about what it means to be lesbian/bisexual woman. I never really fit into the lesbian cliques ever. I wasn't butch enough or cool enough or something enough. At all the gay clubs/organizations I've been involved in I always fell in with the guys just naturally. I would really like to surround myself with more queer women, but I don't know how to find them. Where do they hide? The ones I know are pretty fucking intimidating. Maybe that's why I live vicariously through autostraddle. They're the cool gay group of female friends I never had.

God, there are so many "young professionals" (as the lovely Sonja Swanson put it) in Palo Alto. Katy said that if Palo Alto counts as my definition of civilization I'm in dire straights. She's probably right. I see people making deals all around me. Presentations. Transactions. This is where Daniel met with his bizillionaire friend for some philosophical discussion.

That's my shocked face.

I was shocked because the white haired guy behind me was engaged in big money dealings. Big money. It's funny. I usually wouldn't notice this because I'm generally unable to really differentiate between my observations of women and men based on gender. Might be part of the bisexuality thing. But all the dealings are male operated. Oh, Silicon Valley engineer entrepreneurs... you guys.

Oh, I was a baller at trivia. I expected to be the least valuable player because most people I know are generally smarter than me at trivia type things, but the only stuff they quizzed us on was pop culture. The theme was failed comebacks. Britney's Gimme More VMA performance was mentioned. It was cool to not suck, although Conner knew pretty much every answer I knew too. We were co-MVPs.

Alright, off to play editing.

dogs are smarter than people

"There’s no gap between people who understand. We are all people, except for me, I am a dog."

--Tinkerbell

This is from the autostraddle roundtable discussion on whether or not there's a lesbian generation gap. Tinkerbell is pictured above

Now lets have some fun. This beat is sick. I want to take a ride on your disco stick.

thank you jonathancrossfield.com, you have justified my people watching

Time, Productivity and the Writer

There's a passage I really liked entitled "Staring Out the Window." Btw, I stole this article from autostraddle. It's only the best website on the entire internets.

I'm amazed by how much of my inner monologue consists of the letter "F." Just F. Or Eff, but I prefer F. Maybe this is me learning not to curse so much.

I texted Becca the other day to tell her that bacon was my number one feeling. I was only a little bit drunk

when I did this. Right now, Lady GaGa is definitely my number one feeling. And I've only had an iced vanilla latte and a yoplait today. Don't worry about it. I almost cried while listening to Brown Eyes on my walk over today.

This is just a silly song about you. And how I lost you. And your brown eyes.

Really any work of art seems to be about losing something, whether it be sanity or socks. I lost Ronny. And I'm over it as much as you can be over someone that you really thought saw your insides and liked them, but it's just a silly play about you. And how I lost you.

They made me a fancy latte at the University Cafe today because they like me :). Being especially nice to clerks is severely underrated. Look at the rewards!

OK - so there are a few feelings right now. Number one - Lady GaGa

Feeling Number Two: The NSFW (Not Safe For Work) tag. Is this image any more safe for work than this image?

What's the big difference? The nipple. What is it that is so alluring and consequential about the nipple that could made anything showing the nipple not safe for work and essentially the same picture with the nipple covered safe for work. If you're looking at basically naked pictures of Lady GaGa on your work computer on company time you should be in the same amount of trouble whether the picture has nip or not. It's time that you're not spending working. NSFW. Bitches.

Remember when Google thought I was porn? Yeah, now I guess they were right.

university cafe

I love this place. The University Cafe has these outdoor tables that are basically on the sidewalk. Today I've eaten a yoplait and an iced vanilla latte. It's cool. Don't worry about it.

I came here to be creative, and work on the play. Instead, I only have an hour before Daniel comes and fetches me and I started talking to Becca on iChat. I really shouldn't have turned on the WiFi. I'm going to come here tomorrow early and not do that.

So Daniel started at Palantir today. I really should be jealous, but I'm somehow not. He got a laptop, a blackberry, tons of swag, and free laundry and dry cleaning for eva. And catered breakfast, lunch, and dinner for eva. And a gym, and I'm sure if he asked for a prostitute they would send over only the best. I should want a job like that, but I don't. That would basically have been my life had I gotten the Google job, but I'm really glad I actually didn't get it. I wouldn't be on any other path than the one I'm on right now. I feel like I've actually found my thing, and it gives me more joy than sales or marketing or law ever could have in a perfect parallel universe. My dad's going to read this and think to himself that I shouldn't rule out law school. When I told him an MFA takes three years he said, "You could get a law degree in that time!" And I could be insanely miserable in the process. I just know that being in law school would be extremely painful. Overtly competitive people freak me out because I'm a closeted competitive person. Daniel knows this about me, but not very many other people do.

Oh yeah, development since I last blogged for serious. I am obsessed with Adam Lambert. He is the next something that's never been. I have most of his videos from American Idol on my iPhone in a playlist called "Glambert" and the Rolling Stone cover is a permanent coffee table fixture. Part of me wants to be 14 and go to the American Idol tour concert just to see him. But then I've have to be in the same stadium with Danny Gokey which is something I'm not prepared to handle right now.

There are too many walls for me to work really consistently in the apartment. And I mean that literally. Like actual walls. It feels really closed in, and I know this is complete bullshit because most of SGM was written in my dorm room, but you can't argue with feeling. And I have feelings. So. Many. Feelings.

and part of a cuban cigar

There was that.

fancy fancy

I just got back from a fancy party put on by one of the founders of the company Daniel works at. It was actually enjoyable. I had Gray Goose. And Patron. I had a good time.

refill

Spent the whole day in SF on Wednesday. It was fabulous. Fabu-lash. It was exactly what I needed. And yes, I slept till 3 today to make up for it. That's how I roll.

I met all the ACT folk, including my new boss Michael Paller. I really like him, and I really like ACT. I can't wait to start in September. It will be a great learning experience. I also saw Albee's At Home at the Zoo which was AMAZING (all caps). The second act especially. Don't judge it until you've seen the second act. It actually used to be a one act which was only the second act. I felt so inspired by the end of it. I can't believe I'm going to be working for the theater company that puts that kind of performance together.

Most importantly though, I got to see Katy and Conner. I got Eggs Benedict with smoked salmon, and Katy wouldn't cut it for me because she didn't want to "aid and abet" that kind of behavior. Katy's a very cute little vegan. Conner lives above an anarchist book collective in the Haight. An anarchist book collective. I wish my life were that cool.

Daniel just said I should start "The Ellen Cassidy School for the Nocturnal." I don't know what that means. I assume we'd hold classes at 4 AM. That's when I'm most productive. It's 4:44 right now. There must be some kind of hex going on.

I just rewrote the party scene from the play. It's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo much better now. I feel so good.

an update

I'm now an adult. Or a twenty-something. But not a student. I'm a soon-to-be intern with a broken wrist.

A lot has happened since I last wrote. Actually the reason I haven't written is the main thing that's happened. I wrote a play. Then I directed it. And produced it. And starred in it. Hence, lots of writing, just not on here. No time for blogging. But now I'm divorced from my life blood -- my friends. Not living in Terra anymore... well, it makes me miss people so much. That's why I'm updating this again, and that's why it's going to stick. Because I can't lose touch with these people or I'll lose touch with myself. I already miss you all too much.

Part of the reason I didn't update was because I know Ronny reads this. Yeah, I'll use your fucking name. And I didn't want to write about my life (the play) and give him all kinds of information that he could somehow twist and turn to screw me over. Now that I'm out of Stanford and Ronny's no longer an issue I can write whatever the hell I want, and he can't do anything about it. He also unfriended me on facebook. Ha!

The play is called Single Gay Man. Putting it together was the hardest and the best thing I've ever done. I wish I had blogged through it because I want to remember every moment of agony and ecstasy. It's only when you let something become so important to you that your nose bleeds at the thought of losing it that you're really living. Well, I really lived. I don't know if I'm living now. Not being able to get a notebook and write without thinking has kind of hurt my process, and I find I'm most happy when I'm writing, even if I have to do it through the computer.

But! Something that makes me happier than writing! I'm seeing Katy and Conner today! My first friend contact since graduation! YAY! Also, meeting my boss at ACT. Yeah, blog friends, I'm not working for Google or Apple or some bank. I'm the dramaturgy intern at the American Conservatory Theatre. Shit changes in a few months, right?

live from portland or "I'm sorry, I'm on the Mock Trial team"

I'm writing this from the luxurious Holiday Inn Express next to the Portland Airport.  This is Mock Trial Regionals.  OMG. 

Mock Trial is legitimately strange.  Whenever I do something insanely inappropriate I qualify it with, "I'm sorry.  I'm on the Mock Trial team."  No one seems to understand, and it probably makes me look even more weird, but this is a team where we're all just fucking insane most of the time.  Max just walked into a Shari's for pie without his shoes are on because "Jesus wasn't too good for shoes." 

The "that's what she said" phenomenon has intruded on my life.  I now am "that friend" that always says that's what she said, and criticizes others when they say it and it doesn't really work. And when I do it I add "I'm sorry, I'm on the Mock Trial team" about 50% of the time.  I hear words differently now.  Any sentence with "mouth" or "tight" in it immediately piques my interest.  This is so f-ed.

And Adam Adler. That's all.

At least I get to spoon with Max since he ditched the boys room because we "already know each other." 

ok i'm really back

I've been hearing that some people are a little upset that I abandoned my blog for a few weeks.  I'm upset about this too actually, but it was really for your benefit, not mine.  I went through a really really tough time in the past 3 weeks and I didn't want to berate you all with stupid "woe is me" blog entries.  I lost someone really close to me (not death), and have been going through a lot of weird transitions.  New people, new experiences, and new wounds that still need healing.  I'm not going to air any of this tension in this space because the cyberwebs don't need to be a part of my rock bottom, but let's just say I've changed a lot and hope I'm still funny.

I promise to be a better blogger.  Remember my new year's resolution to be tougher? Yea, that's been put to the test.  But this is my February resolution -- to not ignore my blog and wonderful readers.

I've really learned the value of friends in the past few weeks.  My real friends.  Thank you all so much.  Becca, especially, has so been there for me through everything that I owe her more than I can give back.  Thank you so much.

i'm back

I'm back.  I have happiness to bring with me:

I actually know Max.  He's on mock trial.  OMG.

the best thing i've ever seen in my life

I've watched this video four times in a row with DDS, and we're both still laughing hysterically.  

With this I introduce you to the United States of America's National Money Hole...

In The Know: Should The Government Stop Dumping Money Into A Giant Hole?

darren sproles is awkward. even better.

I just watched an ESPN News press conference with Darren Sproles after the Chargers game.  He has a stutter.  He had a bunch of long pauses.  He didn't look anyone in the eye.  He laughed nervously.  

So cute.

Here's an example of his style:

I love vulnerability -- knowing that someone knows they're not perfect.  When I just watched someone completely dominate a football game I expect him to come on and be cocky, happy or quiet but excited.  But I didn't expect him to be borderline agoraphobic.  This makes me love him all the more.  I just want to take him in my arms and give him self confidence.  I'm sensing a trend in my personal relationships...

That's it.  Darren Sproles just earned himself a label.

dar-ren sproles. omg.

The Colts used to be my second favorite NFL team.  But then I came under the influence of a certain 5' 6" running back from the San Diego Chargers.  He is for serious 3.5 inches shorter than I am, and he is for serious a force to be reckoned with.  I started out rooting for Indy in this game, but I've been overtaken by the power of Sproles.  I have to root for San Diego.  There's just no choice in the matter.

Experience for yourself.  Don't be fooled by the front page of this video.  It is not, in fact, about Brent Whoever's Face.  It is about Darren Sproles.  I accept no substitutes.

"Legendary.  The only word that truly describes Darren as he moves on the field... If you think this is a little too, well, over the top, too dramatic, too cliche, well have a look for yourself."

[EDIT: The Chargers just won the game in OT off a Sproles big run touchdown.  Definition of perfection.]

how to become a vampire

The essence of camp lives in this website.

How to become a vampire. --By a guy who doesn't proofread and uses geocities hosting.

My personal favorite passage:

"The 'best' way is to search the message-boards and chatrooms for anyone who claims to be, or have been, a 'mentor'. These are vampires who claim to have turned a person already, or who are willing to attempt a turning. BE EXTREMELY CAREFUL WHEN DEALING WITH THESE PEOPLE - I can't stress that enough. Many are not the kinds of people you want to know, and may just be toying with you for their own personal amusement, or for some darker reason. If you find a mentor, do a little research into his or her background, talk to him, talk to people who have had dealings with him. Make ABSOLUTELY sure that you are in no danger

 from this person. And NEVER, unless it is of vital importance, give away your address, credit card number, telephone number or anything that would allow him to trace you to your home. I know it sounds paranoid, but beleive me it might save you ..."

Why would it ever be "of vital importance" to give this individual your credit card number? In what universe would that situation ever occur? Forget the turning into a vampire part, the real mystery is why you would ever give someone your American Express security code in a chat room.

DO NOT GIVE YOUR CREDIT CARD INFORMATION TO THIS MAN!

I REPEAT, DO NOT GIVE THIS MAN YOUR CREDIT CARD INFORMATION UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES! THIS WARNING COULD SAVE YOUR LIFE AND YOUR CREDIT SCORE!

A-freaking-mazing.  This is what the internet was invented for.